Sunday, March 2, 2014

New Year's Resolutions: Love to make you - Live to break you.

Image credit; Google Images

We all have had that infamous love and hate relationship with "New Year's Resolutions". Those lengthy and extensive lists that we compile while striving to spare not a single desire unwritten as if the intensity of our mind's power will summon a Genie who would be willing to grant us all that is listed. I love the writing part of the New Year's Resolutions ritual because that's when we are the most candid versions of ourselves. The clause which reads: "I will write regularly this year.", or "I will get fit and healthy this year." reflects that we are well acquainted with the needs of the greater person within us. This is when we recognize our self-imposed limitations and are willing to break free. This is also when we claim responsibility for ourselves and are receptive to the bitter yet sincere voice in our heads that we choose to disregard otherwise.

However, it's just a matter of few days that we will turn oblivious to that list which we placed so ceremoniously on the dressing table. We will become audacious enough to stare blankly into our own eyes in the mirror while applying the makeup. That voice in our head will opt to give us a cold silent treatment. The mere thought of being left alone in one's own critical company will seem so appalling that we will rather stay exceptionally occupied with routine ordinary affairs. We will pretend to be so deeply absorbed in life that there won't be anytime left to acknowledge our feelings. The list will eventually pass into oblivion and with it, so will we.

In an attempt to steer clear of the mumbles of that voice in our head which is now indignant at our nonchalant attitude towards it, we begin organizing the messy dressing table. The image in the mirror has been mocking us since lately. We are fine, alright! It's just the cloudy mirror which kept us agitated. But finally, the products are systematically arranged and the mirror is spotlessly glistening. The empty bottles, bad brushes, some old ruffled notes and receipts are lying around on the floor. To avoid the conflict between the voice in the head and the sneering reflection of the self in the mirror, smoothing the notes seems like a better idea. Future is uncertain but nostalgia is supposed to be sweet.

Alas! This is not turning out to be the unraveling of the supposedly sweet nostalgic fragments of the past. With the first receipt, we regretfully unfolded the moment from the last year when we invested in a Camera to share proudly with the world the views which we were exclusive to us. The eyes feel heavy and guilty after having made a little haphazard tour around the room. On the last shelf, enveloped in a thick layer of dust was the box with the camera buried in it. The voice in the head is about to make a comment but we shush it. Photography just simply wasn't our thing!

Many wrinkled dreams are now staring back at us as if they are wondering why they didn't get fulfilled. This gym subscription that we were too busy to follow through and that Spanish language classes we gave up on because they seemed so tough. Smirking at us, here lies the reminder of that attempt we made at giving up smoking cigarettes by purchasing those highly acclaimed (read: highly priced) nicotine patches. We wanted the best of the best only to put it aside to rest. We termed those patches as ineffective after an excited day of drama for everyone, called: "I am quitting smoking". So many things don't work for us. And then there were things we didn't work for because..............because!

We can swear by that sinking feeling in the chest that whatever is scribbled on this last paper ball unfolding in our hands is eager to pound us. The paper that was once crisp and a sentimental shade of purple is now an abstract of fine lines and tears. These time-worn words which are glaring back at us have something in common with the tone of that voice in our heads. Or maybe, its just an state of paranoia.

Image credit: Google Images
Why don't people talk about bitter nostalgia? Did you know that this bit of nostalgia is malevolent? It holds in it that power that we once summoned to turn our worlds around. But than we continued waiting for that Genie to appear and make that move for us. And now all we have in the name of nostalgia is an image of a huge sand clock with our time trickling from the top bulb to the one below. We can hear the voice coming from a distance: "This one just can't be inverted". We shake our head to let go of the image and the realization of our fleeting existence turns into a regretful re-reading session of the list.

I hate this re-reading part of the New Year's unfulfilled resolutions later in the year. It feels like a hearing in the court for a crime case committed by us. Where we play both the prosecutor and the defense. The unfulfilled clauses of this agreement with self turns into a series of blame and justification. And after a long exhausting trial, we become the biased judge as well. Result: Case dismissed! Next hearing will be at 00:00 AM on the 1st day of the first month of the New Year ahead. Till then you are free to continue living in oblivion.

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. (MacDonald Carey)